Confronting My Sugar Addiction
A Journey of Self-Discovery
You don’t know what you don’t know.
For years, I had an inkling that sugar might be a problem for me. It dominated my mind, my body, and even my relationships, but I didn’t fully realize the extent of its hold until a coach posed a question that shook me: “What if the life you want is on the other side of sugar?”
At first, I was in complete denial. No way could I give up sugar—I had tried going without it for a day or two before, but it always ended up controlling my life. Still, the idea nagged at me, and after three months of pondering, I decided to give it a try. I committed to one year without sugar, not knowing the journey of self-discovery that awaited me.
What I uncovered on the other side was life-changing. This addiction had masked so many truths in my life, allowing me to hide under a blanket of deception. Sugar had been my go-to comfort in times of anxiety, fear, or stress. A quick hit of brownies, cookies, or ice cream would temporarily soothe the discomfort, only for it to return later, prompting another indulgence.
For years, my sugar consumption was a secret—something I indulged in privately, alone, and hidden from those around me. My family only knew because they noticed the disappearing sweets. Most of my binges happened late at night, in my car, or in the hidden corners of a party. My pockets would be full of empty candy wrappers, the only trace of my secret shame.
Choosing to give up sugar meant walking into a dark room filled with the emotions I had avoided for so long. Without sugar to numb the pain, I had to confront the difficult conversations, the unresolved issues, and the uncomfortable truths. It was a journey of learning to be comfortable in the uncomfortable, and it wasn’t easy.
The sugar gave me a cloak of deception. Instead of dealing with the things in my life, I would slip my cloak on and everything would be "fine." It is also why I have been agreeable in relationships and when the shit hits the fan, it is years worth of pain that hasn't been resolved or dealt with. Much of the pain could have been subsided with dealing with the issue at the time but, in my brain, it was easier to cover it up and be silent.
Why choose to share this? If there is one person out there that can potentially see themselves on the other-side of their vice I want them to know it is worth it. It is not easy but it is worth it, to be the person you want to be for the people in your life. On the other side of addiction is your entire life. Learning to be comfortable in the uncomfortable is not easy.
And, it is worth it.
On this side of addiction, life is calmer. My mind is clearer, my relationships are more authentic, and I find myself more present and at peace. I’ve learned to navigate conflict without sugar as my crutch, using other tools like breathwork, journaling, and physical movement to calm my mind and body.
When it comes to conflict, now that sugar is no longer an "available" solution to scapegoat to, it took some practice but my conflict resolution is growing. When something upsetting happens, I have other tools, at my disposal, to calm my mind and determine an action step.
Some of the tools I have found useful:
Reading a motivational book.
Breathwork.
Creating a plan and talking about the guidelines with the people in my life.
Journalling.
Action- a physical movement you can do in order to change the state of the body and in result change the chemistry of the body.
How I did it.
First of all I went cold turkey from Thanksgiving all the way through March 23rd. Covid-19 hit and I ate a box of cookies in the parking lot of Costco. I told myself it was only one box. I was consuming much less sugar between March and September and yet it slowly increased and resulted in the same hidden binges that plagued me for so many years. On a Thursday evening, after a heavy day where I had a difficult conversation with my father, I drove to 3 separate gas stations and there wasn't a cookie, donut, puppy chow or chocolate covered pretzel that could subside my anxiety, hurt and panic.
The next morning, I walked into a breathwork certification class full of pain, anger, hurt, disappointment, and shame. I decided this would not be my future and I was going to use the next 3 days to pull apart my subconscious mind and understand this addiction and see what it had to say to my soul.
The information my soul and subconscious mind gave me through breathwork changed my life.
Fire Breathwork Session:
In this session, I was guided to breathe with the flame and let it speak to me. Throughout the entire 40-minute meditation and breathwork session, the flame remained calm and strong. The message I received was, "The flame is your truth. As long as you are honest and truthful, nothing can disturb your flame. The light inside you burns bright. Bullies, disruptions, anxiety, stress, relationships, and heartache will all come your way. But as long as you remain steady and truthful, nothing will dull your flame."
Trauma Breathwork Session:
During this session, everything was unveiled, and my life would never be the same. At the start, my guide asked my subconscious to "taste" sugar and observe its effects on my body. Suddenly, I couldn’t breathe—my cells were starving for oxygen. Then, my guide prompted me to confront sugar directly and see what it had to say. In my mind, a dark figure with a white helmet appeared. It entered my mouth, swept through my cells with a candle snuffer, and extinguished every single truth candle I had burning within me. When I asked this figure who it was, it responded, "I am the cloak of deception." Sugar was the cloak of deception, and its purpose was to ensure that my life was a lie—there could be no truth while sugar was in my system. When I asked what it wanted me to know, the dark figure said, "If you want any relationship in your life, you cannot have a relationship with me. I will always win, and your relationships will always be a lie when I am in your system." This terrified me. I realized that I was in a relationship—not with the people in my life, but with my addiction. Finally, my guide asked me to recall the first time I tasted sugar. The image that came to mind was of an adult handing me sugar to silence me. It all made sense—my addiction had started as a way to keep myself quiet, and I had turned to sugar countless times since then to achieve that same effect.
Afterwards:
Now, I’m living sugar-free, driven by a combination of fear and excitement. I’m still learning about addiction, uncovering parts of myself I didn’t know existed. It’s a journey of healing, one day at a time, as I allow my brain to create new pathways without the fixation on dopamine hits.
This journey has been transformative, and I’m committed to continuing it. I’ll keep being vulnerable, talking to my therapist, and being open with my partner. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that the life I want truly is on the other side of sugar.
